"I can only remember a loving girl who always wanted to help, with a very outgoing personality."

"She was one of my best friendss, I never saw it coming. I mean-there were obviously problems she had but she always seemed so happy."

She made a lot of bad decisions in her life but not once did I see this result coming from her. I loved her with every bone in my body."

"We were going to bring her to a psychologist thinking that she needed professional help of somesort-she always denied going."

"I think her life was like every teenagers to be honest. I'm not sure why she felt the need to do this to herself and all of us."

"She was my grand daughter what am I supposed to say? I loved her with all my heart-and spoiled her when I had the chance-I never saw this coming. No Grandma should outlive her grand daughter. I wish this upon no one."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Journal,
Every small thing that happens to me seems so big. I can'tcontrol my need to cry or scream-I feel cold inside...No matter how hard I try, I never do anything right.
~~
"Melanie, did you do the dishes?"
"Yes mother-the dishes are done! I did them right when I came home. No worries," I replied annoyed already.
"Are you kidding me!" she screams, "Did you even CLEAN the counters?"
My head snapped up, had I forgotten to clean the counters? I SWORE I did them..."I'm pretty sure I did them Mom. Why?"
"If you did them, they look like shit! Are you a dumb ass? Do you do EVERYTHING half ass? I can't just come home to a clean house can I? THIS IS YOUR ONLY CHORE! HOW IS THIS HARD?!" she yelled again rolling her eyes, "EVERY FUCKING TIME."
I hung my head, "Mom I thought I did them, I'm sorry."
"Yeah, whatever. Go to your room. I don't want to see your face anymore."
I slowly drifted up the stairs feeling the heaviness of yet another rejection, failure, my day shattered. Tears stung my eyes but I forced them away. I'm not going to cry. No. I sit on my bed-not wanting to touch anything-thinking my luck will somehow pass on to something else unsuspecting, I wouldn't wish that upon anyone-or anything for that matter.
I can hear my mother and little brother laughing downstairs...the three words I so rarely hear said to me are loud enough for me to catch. "Gage, honey, I love you."
More laughter...without me.
~~~
Dear Journal,
Have you ever felt hollow? Like when the wind blows, or someone looks at you-it just goes straight through? Your body is heavy as lead, and the tears seem to pour like a never ending leak? I can't seem to hold a smile for longer then a second. My laughter no longer spews from my mouth. My heart no longer beats in time with everyone elses...it has a slower, more painful thump. Am I still a person?

The top 4 sentences I hear daily.
1.)"Melanie! Is your room clean!?"
2.)"Melanie you're not going to church!"
3.)"Are you fucking retarded?"
4.)"You have no common sense whatsoever. You are screwed in the real world."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I sit down with my notepad in front of the mother of this girl-Melanie Genus. The girl who thought suicide was her only way out.
So many things were racing through my mind-but only one question did I want a truthful answer, "Did you love her?'
This woman's startling green gaze looked shocked at my question, "My daughter? Of course!"
I nodded as if debating her answer which got her to expand on it more, "I mean-we didn't have the GREATEST relationship by any means-but yes. I loved her, very much. Why do you ask?'
I was not of privilage at that time to say why I had specifically asked that question, so I asked another, "Would you please expand on your twos relationship?"
She thought about it a minute or so, "Her and I...we were like oil and water. We did not mix. But what mother is a teenagers best friend?"
As if to answer her own question, her smile slowly crept off her face. Now an expression of utter heartache, "We never really got along. But I loved her."
The only thing I could think of was, did Melanie KNOW that..??
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Journal,
No one knows of my feelings of darkness, church keeps preaching of a light at the end. The goodness that always prevails, the savior that takes your hand and leads you to the land of the promised. Something to guide you to where you belong. I don't have one. I feel alone, stranded on a place no one knows of. I am still on Earth, but the pain goes much deeper.

Dear Journal,
My father and I used to be so close, but now it feels like we are no longer on the same page. Is it possible I am the cause? Is it possible that I am the one who is once again breaking something without meaning to? I am no longer a baby-but he thinks I have no REAL emotions, only those a five year old would have...I don't want anyone to know of my blackness. Instead of me being broken beyond repair, I will pretend to be the brave princess...Just like I did when I was five.
~~~~~~~~~~
"Don't give me attitude Melanie!" he said rasing his voice slightly, "Did I say I was done?"
I shook my head, "No I suppose not."
"I have not the slightest idea what's going on right now but fix it. Where's my cute little, grade A student who just wanted Daddy Time? I want HER back." The old glint of grey in his eyes replaced the sapphire sparkle that used to be there-that used to shine so bright. Highlights of white, and thinning of hair-took a tole on my father. Had I done this? Could my mistakes make such things happen? he shook his head and whispered, "I just want my little girl back..."
~~~
"YOU made this happen Melanie! YOU'RE mistakes and screw-ups! Obviously my way of talking it out with you didn't work! So I'm done, I'm taking action! You make think your life is soo bad-but is it really? Cuz I'm thinkin you've had it pretty damn easy over the years! I was ALWAYS on your side! YOU WERE ALWAYS MY LITTLE GIRL, I ALWAYS BELIEVED YOU! I can't do that anymore, you've made me a fool. I tried Mel, I really did." --My Dad