Dear Journal,
I met someone today that I think could change my life for the better...He makes me feel special compared to everyone else. He NOTICED me, he goes out of his way to talk to me...I'm no longer invisible when he is near.
His eyes are a surprising shade of blue, when you look into them you feel mesmorized by a force to look deeper...Like some compelling force that urges your weary heart to open up, like his very gaze can heal your aching wounds. His words cover me in a sensation of sweet dreams, of true happiness. The way he makes me feel is much different then ever experienced.
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Dear Journal,
Could it be that HE is my light? My chest feels as if butterflies have flown inside and I long to see and talk to him daily. His smile makes me forget all the slashes and gashes of the past. I can't think of anything but his hands fitting perfectly in mine...I feel...comforted that he will be there for me.
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"You're so cute," he said, flashing a smirk he must have perfected in the mirror, "Truly one of a kind."
I laughed, a sound that my ears missed, "Do I sense a hint of sarcasm behind such a cocky smile?"
"No..I missed you Melanie," he stated quietly, his blue gaze held mine for a moment, "How are you?"
I sighed, the old feeling of regret taking place inside me, "Not good to be honest, but better now that you're here!"
He laughed, a sound worth every penny, "So, do you want me to stick around for a while?"
I nodded, not trying to seem too eager, "Please. If you're okay with that and have nothing else planned."
He shrugged, "I can cancel."
My throat swelled in pure joy, he's staying for ME! Someone is canceling all they have doing...for ME! When we got out in the hallway I ran into his open embrace, and found myself breathing in his cologne and feeling at home with him, "Thank you."
"I wouldn't have left even if you said didn't answer my question..I missed you too much."
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Dear Journal,
It turns out my sparkling eyes young man, Nathan, now has no wanting of me. The restrictions my parents have put in front of me are INSANELY OUTRAGEOUS! I'm barely allowed outside by myself! His excuse was that we'd never be able to do anything, and he has found someone else in the past two weeks that I've been kept in my lockdown. Although now the choice I was having a horrible time making, that had to do with him and Carson (a long time crush/boyfriend) and who I would choose-was made easier...seeing now I'm only limited to one option now. I have always known Carson was the right choice, but I was head over heels for Nathan by then.
--If you hear a cracking in the night-don't be affraid, it's just my chest opening vulnerably for someone else to break me.
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Dear Journal,
This is much harder than expected. When I see Nathan walking in front of me, I long to to call out his name-for him to look and speak to me like he used to. But I bite my desire, knowing his reaction would not be as I expect. He would not have that special look on his face, one of blank rememberance would fill it's place. His words would be awkward and careless, his arms would stay at his sides-unmoving towards my hand that burned for his touch. Now I have become invisible, a speck in the canvas of colors. I was SO close to coming out of my ditch, but now I find myself even deeper yet-as if I NEEDED to be rejected by someone other than my parents. I'm back at zero. Not even God can save me now, I knew I shouldn't have exposed my heart, it only leads to hurt.
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Dear Journal,
If it weren't for Carson and Monica I would be gone already. I am literally living my life for them and my siblings. Other then them I have no reason to stay. My mistakes are ever being yelled at me-a deafening sound that I can never get away from, no matter where I am. I'm breaking in every way imagineable-AND I CAN'T SHOW IT!!
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"Are you okay Mel? You've been really quiet lately...wanna talk?" asked Monica, gently setting her hand on mine.
I WANT TO SCREAM EVERYTHING!!! "No, I'm fine...just parent stuff-and I'm really tired. you know how those finals are."
"Oh well, you're always welcome at my house," she replied, smiling to enhance the generous gift.
If only I could accept the invitation and leave my two houses that only focus on my past and don't allow me to grow better in the future. "I would but I'm grounded still-thanks though Monica. Really," I put on my biggest smile I could mustser up.
"Still!?" she asked in awe, "Gee Mel, harsh huh?"
If you only knew what caused it all.
"Ha. Yeah..."
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I felt somehow horrid-monster like-to ask a girl the same age as Melanie to come into my questioning room, but I did anyways. Her eyes were puffy, and her cute little outfit was wrinkled, I tried to reassure her with a smile, "Hello Monica, I was told you are one of Melanie's best friends?"
Her stare seemed so unhuman, "Yes, I was."
"I'm sure this was very tragic for you," I returned soothingly.
"SHE WASN'T SUPPOSED TO DO THIS! WE WERE GONNA GO TO COLLEGE TOGETHER! WE WERE GOING TO GET A DOG! I WAS GOING TO BE HER MAID-OF-HONOR!" she broke down, her frail body shaking with each gasp for air, "I LOVED HER LIKE A SISTER! WHAT SISTER DOES THIS TO SOMEONE?!"
I was physically incapable of anything for a moment, but quickly composed myself, "Shh, it's okay Monica. Im sorry."
"Can I be done? Please?" she pleaded.
"I just have to read you a little thing darling. Just a couple more things."